The Awakened Family by Shefali Tsabary Ph.D

Author:Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D.
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2016-05-12T13:12:34+00:00

Part Four

Transformative Parenting Skills

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

From Expectations to Engagement

The fear at the root of every emotional reaction is more often than not connected to the threat that an expectation will be unmet. Either we have an expectation of being treated in a particular manner, or we expect our children to behave a particular way.

By definition, expectations are rooted in the future and are often at odds with the present. We expect things to be better than they are. We expect better results than what we are seeing. We expect more progress and growth than we are getting.

Expectations are often tacit reminders that we think the present is in some way lacking, and that the future can be better. As this shifts our awareness from who our children are in the present moment to what we imagine we desire them to be, it causes a deep divide between our children and ourselves.

If you stop to think about it, the notion that we should expect things of any person, especially our children, is ludicrous. When we hold the belief that we should have “clear expectations” of our children, we are unaware of the embedded subtext behind this heavy-handed sense of entitlement. I believe that the only person we can hold clear expectations of is ourselves, for once we create clear and consistent boundaries in the home, children naturally subscribe to these without undue distress.

However, because the parental Kool-Aid has condoned a dictatorial approach, encouraging us to believe we are superior to our children, we feel free to impose our expectations on them in a random, unchecked manner. We begin to believe that everything about them is our business. It’s as if we want to own their every thought and micromanage their every action. We don’t seem to realize that it’s one thing to be caring and committed, but quite another to treat our children as our possessions.

When we treat our children as if they were our possessions, our expectations of them inevitably lead to anger and disappointment when they fail to live up to the ideals we have for them. Because as parents we believe we have the right to demand things of our children, even if what we expect of them falls outside their interests and perhaps even their native capability, they suffer from the burden of having to become something they really aren’t. This forces them to abandon their true self, which is the most damaging trauma any child can experience, since it involves self-betrayal.

To illustrate how damaging our expectations can be even when they are well-intentioned, let me tell you about the time Emily took her three boys, ranging in age from six to ten, on a trip from New York City to Los Angeles for the first time. To make the holiday exciting for them, she packed their schedule with one enriching activity after another. However, instead of champing at the bit, eager to see all of Los Angeles, the boys resisted their mother at every turn. Their fussing

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